The Gift Of Dissatisfaction
When my thoughts race It feels like a spiral. One idea into the next into the next. Like a buzzing in my body. Sometimes I pair this with action such as a purchase or an impulsive decision. Other times I make myself focus on some task at hand for a short while until my brain pulls me back into the maze. This could easily become overwhelming and sometimes it does. I got to wondering, what part of me is showing up right now? I think it's the one that feels it needs to do something big or change an aspect of life or take on a new project. Why does it need this? To what end?
My solution has been to research, to make purchases and occasionally to write about it or share it. If I had to name it, the first thing that comes to mind is “The Curse of Dissatisfaction.” Curse gives it a negative connotation, so perhaps I will edit that to “The Gift of Dissatisfaction.” It is a gift because ideas can propel us forward, drive us, inspire art and creativity. It is a curse because sometimes it also leaves us exactly where we were before and prevents the very thing we are seeking most of all.. Satisfaction.
Dave Matthews sings, “Why won’t you ever be glad, it melts into wonder.” (I want this tattooed on me) I am glad sometimes, and then there are these bursts where I am not and I begin searching for a new life to craft. A new home, job, car, goal, book, direction, feeling, purpose. It feels like swirling energy that simply cannot be channeled. I do all the things- I exercise, I eat well, I have great support. I take moments to breathe. Do I meditate? No, and I don’t intend to. Not for this. Slowing down isn't the answer for me, in this particular circumstance, it's funneling this energy into something more valuable than a sea of thoughts, words and ideas in my head as opposed to quieting them.
The funny part is, I’m not particularly unhappy. I’m actually quite content in all areas of my life. If I were able to sit in that contentment I would probably feel satisfied. Ah. well maybe that's the problem. Perhaps satisfaction and contentment aren’t the end goal after all. Maybe it just lines the road to where we are going, each one like a new pit stop on a fun adventure. Perhaps this is the pull that tells us it’s time to grow in some way or another. Maybe it's the opposite of stuckness.
So why won’t I ever be glad Dave? Well, because if I were glad then I wouldn't evolve. I'd stay the same. I wouldn’t move. Dissatisfaction leads to growth, evolution, creativity and change. A gift I will gladly accept. Will you?
What will you do with the energy you experience? Will you shame it, label it, try to control or minimize it or distract from it? I suggest you listen instead. Tune in. Go inside. What does this part of you need? I bet you it is a need to create and to flow in whatever capacity that is for you. Example, I have been itching to get words on paper and write something for my blog or brainstorm ideas for a podcast. Yet I haven't done anything except jot some notes down in a notebook and think about it endlessly. I’ve scrolled through other therapists' instagrams and websites, listened to their podcasts, but I was still left with this restless, swirling, buzzing energy. So I decided to open up this google doc and write about it. And what happened? The energy released. My flow of words has allowed the feeling to flow through me and I am back to the place of homeostasis within. At first I just wanted it to stop. And that is what we do with most of our “unpleasant emotions” isn't it? We wish they would go away. I'm here to tell you through experience with both my patients and my internal journey that this is not the way. Allow the feeling to move through you in a way that feeds your needs. For me, I needed to write. The words were practically pulsing through my fingertips. What is it for you? What can you create? Is it art or photos or organization or music or dance or building or writing? Find a creative channel for that energy and see what happens with it. Welcome it as a gift instead of condemning it as a curse. See where your dissatisfaction leads you.